The musings of a reluctant house-husband aged 40 and three quarters
I was a marketing manager for a contract hire and leasing company in Birmingham. I had been at the company for 14 years and had a good track record of achieving what was expected of me. I was in the unfortunate position of being made redundant in April 2011 and have been looking for a new job ever since - no doubt much like many other similarly affected souls. In fact 2.62 million according to the BBC (on 16th November 2011), the worst unemployment figures since 1994. I am a statistic and it’s important to be counted but believe me, I am not proud of the achievement.
The emotional roller coaster ride of introspection and learning, planning, handling rejection and generally keeping sane has been challenging, entertaining, amusing at times and depressing at others. I have decided to record my experiences primarily to keep busy, utilize some of my skills and as a form of coping strategy because writing is quite cathartic for me.
‘Every cloud has a silver lining’ and ‘things always work out for the best’ ‘everything happens for a reason’ have been quoted to me on numerous occasions and I am sure that they are all true but whilst waiting for gainful employment to resume, I might as well have some fun sharing my thoughts about my new ‘unemployed’ label. My intention is to entertain, maybe generate some debate and of course showcase my skills to employers that have so far overlooked my obvious talents.
To start though, I will need to set the scene and to do that I will have to describe some of the more difficult emotional stuff. To be clear right from the beginning; being unemployed has been a real learning curve for me and I am a better, stronger and more rounded individual as a result. I have a better relationship with my wife and kids and have learned a whole set of new skills too.
Finally, this piece isn’t about losing income, clearly that’s a significant factor in the impact that redundancy can have but most people will appreciate how you have to go about economizing to make ends meet so I won’t dwell on it here.
Why working was important
The weeks/months leading up to being made redundant were pretty depressing at the office, the writing was on the wall and my colleagues and I were keen to see decisions made so that we could get on with our lives. Our company had been sold and the buyers had made the decision to outsource the key day to day management of the business to one of our competitors with duplicate resources – job losses were inevitable. Bizarrely, when the axe did finally fall, it was actually a relief for a short while. At least I wasn’t hanging on and waiting anymore.
After the dust had settled and the legal process had all been completed, I began to reflect upon the various ways that a job was important that I had never really fully appreciated.
It is a fact that I had been employed in one way shape or form ever since I got a work permit at the age of 13. I did paper rounds, worked in a local grocers shop, worked on the local market and then did two years' service at Sainsburys and that was all before I even left school. Once out of school, I did four years at Barclays and then went to university. I worked during my summer holidays, did a sandwich work year before completing my degree and then went to work. At 40 years old I finally began to understand what a job means once you totally disregard income.
My job defined me and gave me some status!
I was a responsible manager (people, budgets, planning, objective setting and objective achievement etc.), was a company spokesperson and had a company car, a company phone, a company credit card, private health care and a reasonable salary. When that all disappeared and instead I became a house-husband, I had to adjust to having no perceived status at all, it was rather emasculating if I am honest. Status was never important to me as a flag to wave at other people but it was very important to me personally as evidence of achievement and self worth.
I needed a plan and I needed to keep busy and continue to achieve things regardless of my employment status.
People and relationships
There are some things that I had always taken for granted, camaraderie and office banter for example. Once job seeking, I started to spend loads more time on my own (Mrs. Baldwin being at work and the kids at school). When the phone doesn’t ring, your mates are all at work and you realize you have no connections in your local community because you always worked somewhere else, you really can start to feel quite lonely – and I did.
Apologizing for yourself
When I was initially out of work I kept up to date with a number of my work colleagues and others that I had working relationships with. As my period of unemployment grew I found that I was communicating less and less and the main reason for that is that I just got sick of having to explain what I was doing – it felt like I almost had to apologize or make excuses to justify my lack of success. You have no choice at the Job Centre but there’s only so much of it that you can manage on top.
The downside of being quiet is that it only exacerbates the feelings of loneliness during the day. The balance isn’t an easy one and my learning from this experience is that people really do care and you just have to identify which individuals do and stay in touch with them – after all the world works by who you know not what you know.
An amusing tale
One of the funniest tales I have to regale about redundancy involved my son who was seven at the time. About a week after I had been laid off, I had just arrived back home after visiting a solicitor. My son was playing on the green outside the front of our house with a few of his mates when I pulled up in the car. Upon seeing me, they started chanting, and much too loudly for my liking, ‘retired or fired’ and must have got through four or five iterations before I managed to get my lad to stop. I then had to explain to him what redundancy was and that I hadn’t lost my job because I couldn’t do it but rather my company didn’t want me to do it anymore. On the bright side, most of the neighbours were probably still at work at the time.
Good days and bad days
It is fair to say that the last few months have contained days that were up and days that were down. There were occasions where I felt a bit depressed and struggled to feel motivated for example when rejections or worse still just silence from recruiters got to me. What surprises me is that it doesn’t take much to change a down day to an up one – someone calls with an opportunity, you complete an application, or you simply achieve something.
With that in mind, I have added structure to my time and have made sure that I have achieved something everyday regardless of its enormity. Running has been a saviour for me; when you run you get some fresh air, blow out the cobwebs, keep fit and get some time to think. It doesn’t cost you any money either which given the circumstances isn’t such a bad thing. Since being laid off I have run more than a 1,000 miles and that really does feel like something of an achievement. Let’s face it how many people would you chat to that could make the same claim?
Playground reflections
Being one of the only dads in the playground before and after school has been a reality for me for a while now. Don’t get me wrong there are other dads but they don’t come that often and never do both ends of the day which is hardly that surprising really. When I was working I’d just take the kids to their child minders in the morning, the other parents barely ever saw me.
As a stay at home dad you stick out a bit and no doubt get gossiped about. The mums are often quite sociable with each other and meet up for coffees and chats but as a dad it’s a social world that is not really open to you. I guess that’s not such a bad thing because at least I don’t have to explain to Mrs. Baldwin why I am going out for drinks with other women.
The job centre
Once I had been out of work for eight weeks, I decided it was about time that I got some advice about what I might be entitled to in terms of government support. That entailed some phone calls and a trip to my local Job Centre. The Job Centre was a whole new world for me having never set foot in one before.
Signing on every fortnight has been a fortnightly admission of failure from my perspective and not exactly comforting as a result. Bless the employees in the Daventry centre though because they have been thoroughly decent with me and wouldn’t be doing their jobs properly if they didn’t question me about my efforts to find work.
My folder of job seeking evidence grows by the week and at least there is some comfort to be had from efficient filing – alright I admit that’s clutching at straws.
My redundancy achievements
Housework
Since I got laid off I have taken on new responsibilities and learnt new skills – some of which I’ll admit I am embarrassed that it took me until I was 40 to learn. For example, despite having been a home owner for some fifteen years, I never really appreciated just how much effort it takes to run a house. The cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing alone seem to require constant attention. When you add childcare to the list you suddenly have a full-time job again. My wife used to just manage a load of this stuff, on top of her job, without me really noticing. Admittedly we used to have a cleaner too, that was one of our concessions to both of us working full time – now an unnecessary luxury.
Cooking
I was always a reluctant cook, weekend breakfasts and barbeques being about the limit of my culinary repertoire. These days I am much more accomplished and cook dinner every evening so that it’s on the table when my wife gets home from work. Whilst Jamie Oliver probably wouldn’t be impressed exactly, I am now pretty happy with my curries, chilli con carne, spaghetti bolognaise and casseroles. I have even started to get confident enough to experiment with flavours and ingredients. I am still nervous of baking, but I am going to give that a go too.
My wife and I have role reversed, she is wearing the trousers as it were and I am him indoors. I have to say that I have much more respect for my wife than I did before and much that has changed will not revert back when I get another job. An unexpected benefit of redundancy is that our relationship is actually better for it. Simply put, I pull my weight when I just didn’t really try hard enough before.
Childcare
Childcare has become an essential aspect of my house-husband world. Every day I now get the kids up, get them breakfasted and dressed and delivered to school. At the end of the school day I pick them up, bring them home, cook their dinner and get them bathed and ready for bed. During the summer holiday and indeed the recent half-term, I was responsible for full time entertainment and behaviour management. Outings included Didcot, Thinktank, The Black Country Living Museum, Duxford, The National Space Centre, The Buckinghamshire Railway Centre and Pendon Model Railway.
I have managed to enjoy more time with my children than at any point since they were born (son is eight and daughter is four). I also managed my daughter’s integration into school.
Whilst it has its stressful moments, as every parent will appreciate, I can honestly say that I have had the best summer in years. All in all, I have much better relationships with both of my children than I did before and that, to pinch an expression from Mastercard, is priceless! My four year old daughter used to be pretty mummy clingy but now dad has a proper role to play and value to add.
Decorating and DIY
A lot of DIY work has been done around the house, I was always proficient at that but of course I never seemed to have as much time as I needed.
Running
In 2011 I ran 1,267 miles, by far the longest distance covered in any of the years I have been running. I ran the Birmingham Half Marathon in October and finished in 1:47:08 my personal best to date. It is fair to say that I haven't been sitting around getting fat. Running is good for my health and indeed for my self esteem and it's good to get some fresh air and blow away the cobwebs.
This website
Oh and I planned, created and published this website. Feedback always appreciated so let me know what you think.
The emotional roller coaster ride of introspection and learning, planning, handling rejection and generally keeping sane has been challenging, entertaining, amusing at times and depressing at others. I have decided to record my experiences primarily to keep busy, utilize some of my skills and as a form of coping strategy because writing is quite cathartic for me.
‘Every cloud has a silver lining’ and ‘things always work out for the best’ ‘everything happens for a reason’ have been quoted to me on numerous occasions and I am sure that they are all true but whilst waiting for gainful employment to resume, I might as well have some fun sharing my thoughts about my new ‘unemployed’ label. My intention is to entertain, maybe generate some debate and of course showcase my skills to employers that have so far overlooked my obvious talents.
To start though, I will need to set the scene and to do that I will have to describe some of the more difficult emotional stuff. To be clear right from the beginning; being unemployed has been a real learning curve for me and I am a better, stronger and more rounded individual as a result. I have a better relationship with my wife and kids and have learned a whole set of new skills too.
Finally, this piece isn’t about losing income, clearly that’s a significant factor in the impact that redundancy can have but most people will appreciate how you have to go about economizing to make ends meet so I won’t dwell on it here.
Why working was important
The weeks/months leading up to being made redundant were pretty depressing at the office, the writing was on the wall and my colleagues and I were keen to see decisions made so that we could get on with our lives. Our company had been sold and the buyers had made the decision to outsource the key day to day management of the business to one of our competitors with duplicate resources – job losses were inevitable. Bizarrely, when the axe did finally fall, it was actually a relief for a short while. At least I wasn’t hanging on and waiting anymore.
After the dust had settled and the legal process had all been completed, I began to reflect upon the various ways that a job was important that I had never really fully appreciated.
It is a fact that I had been employed in one way shape or form ever since I got a work permit at the age of 13. I did paper rounds, worked in a local grocers shop, worked on the local market and then did two years' service at Sainsburys and that was all before I even left school. Once out of school, I did four years at Barclays and then went to university. I worked during my summer holidays, did a sandwich work year before completing my degree and then went to work. At 40 years old I finally began to understand what a job means once you totally disregard income.
My job defined me and gave me some status!
I was a responsible manager (people, budgets, planning, objective setting and objective achievement etc.), was a company spokesperson and had a company car, a company phone, a company credit card, private health care and a reasonable salary. When that all disappeared and instead I became a house-husband, I had to adjust to having no perceived status at all, it was rather emasculating if I am honest. Status was never important to me as a flag to wave at other people but it was very important to me personally as evidence of achievement and self worth.
I needed a plan and I needed to keep busy and continue to achieve things regardless of my employment status.
People and relationships
There are some things that I had always taken for granted, camaraderie and office banter for example. Once job seeking, I started to spend loads more time on my own (Mrs. Baldwin being at work and the kids at school). When the phone doesn’t ring, your mates are all at work and you realize you have no connections in your local community because you always worked somewhere else, you really can start to feel quite lonely – and I did.
Apologizing for yourself
When I was initially out of work I kept up to date with a number of my work colleagues and others that I had working relationships with. As my period of unemployment grew I found that I was communicating less and less and the main reason for that is that I just got sick of having to explain what I was doing – it felt like I almost had to apologize or make excuses to justify my lack of success. You have no choice at the Job Centre but there’s only so much of it that you can manage on top.
The downside of being quiet is that it only exacerbates the feelings of loneliness during the day. The balance isn’t an easy one and my learning from this experience is that people really do care and you just have to identify which individuals do and stay in touch with them – after all the world works by who you know not what you know.
An amusing tale
One of the funniest tales I have to regale about redundancy involved my son who was seven at the time. About a week after I had been laid off, I had just arrived back home after visiting a solicitor. My son was playing on the green outside the front of our house with a few of his mates when I pulled up in the car. Upon seeing me, they started chanting, and much too loudly for my liking, ‘retired or fired’ and must have got through four or five iterations before I managed to get my lad to stop. I then had to explain to him what redundancy was and that I hadn’t lost my job because I couldn’t do it but rather my company didn’t want me to do it anymore. On the bright side, most of the neighbours were probably still at work at the time.
Good days and bad days
It is fair to say that the last few months have contained days that were up and days that were down. There were occasions where I felt a bit depressed and struggled to feel motivated for example when rejections or worse still just silence from recruiters got to me. What surprises me is that it doesn’t take much to change a down day to an up one – someone calls with an opportunity, you complete an application, or you simply achieve something.
With that in mind, I have added structure to my time and have made sure that I have achieved something everyday regardless of its enormity. Running has been a saviour for me; when you run you get some fresh air, blow out the cobwebs, keep fit and get some time to think. It doesn’t cost you any money either which given the circumstances isn’t such a bad thing. Since being laid off I have run more than a 1,000 miles and that really does feel like something of an achievement. Let’s face it how many people would you chat to that could make the same claim?
Playground reflections
Being one of the only dads in the playground before and after school has been a reality for me for a while now. Don’t get me wrong there are other dads but they don’t come that often and never do both ends of the day which is hardly that surprising really. When I was working I’d just take the kids to their child minders in the morning, the other parents barely ever saw me.
As a stay at home dad you stick out a bit and no doubt get gossiped about. The mums are often quite sociable with each other and meet up for coffees and chats but as a dad it’s a social world that is not really open to you. I guess that’s not such a bad thing because at least I don’t have to explain to Mrs. Baldwin why I am going out for drinks with other women.
The job centre
Once I had been out of work for eight weeks, I decided it was about time that I got some advice about what I might be entitled to in terms of government support. That entailed some phone calls and a trip to my local Job Centre. The Job Centre was a whole new world for me having never set foot in one before.
Signing on every fortnight has been a fortnightly admission of failure from my perspective and not exactly comforting as a result. Bless the employees in the Daventry centre though because they have been thoroughly decent with me and wouldn’t be doing their jobs properly if they didn’t question me about my efforts to find work.
My folder of job seeking evidence grows by the week and at least there is some comfort to be had from efficient filing – alright I admit that’s clutching at straws.
My redundancy achievements
Housework
Since I got laid off I have taken on new responsibilities and learnt new skills – some of which I’ll admit I am embarrassed that it took me until I was 40 to learn. For example, despite having been a home owner for some fifteen years, I never really appreciated just how much effort it takes to run a house. The cooking, cleaning, washing and ironing alone seem to require constant attention. When you add childcare to the list you suddenly have a full-time job again. My wife used to just manage a load of this stuff, on top of her job, without me really noticing. Admittedly we used to have a cleaner too, that was one of our concessions to both of us working full time – now an unnecessary luxury.
Cooking
I was always a reluctant cook, weekend breakfasts and barbeques being about the limit of my culinary repertoire. These days I am much more accomplished and cook dinner every evening so that it’s on the table when my wife gets home from work. Whilst Jamie Oliver probably wouldn’t be impressed exactly, I am now pretty happy with my curries, chilli con carne, spaghetti bolognaise and casseroles. I have even started to get confident enough to experiment with flavours and ingredients. I am still nervous of baking, but I am going to give that a go too.
My wife and I have role reversed, she is wearing the trousers as it were and I am him indoors. I have to say that I have much more respect for my wife than I did before and much that has changed will not revert back when I get another job. An unexpected benefit of redundancy is that our relationship is actually better for it. Simply put, I pull my weight when I just didn’t really try hard enough before.
Childcare
Childcare has become an essential aspect of my house-husband world. Every day I now get the kids up, get them breakfasted and dressed and delivered to school. At the end of the school day I pick them up, bring them home, cook their dinner and get them bathed and ready for bed. During the summer holiday and indeed the recent half-term, I was responsible for full time entertainment and behaviour management. Outings included Didcot, Thinktank, The Black Country Living Museum, Duxford, The National Space Centre, The Buckinghamshire Railway Centre and Pendon Model Railway.
I have managed to enjoy more time with my children than at any point since they were born (son is eight and daughter is four). I also managed my daughter’s integration into school.
Whilst it has its stressful moments, as every parent will appreciate, I can honestly say that I have had the best summer in years. All in all, I have much better relationships with both of my children than I did before and that, to pinch an expression from Mastercard, is priceless! My four year old daughter used to be pretty mummy clingy but now dad has a proper role to play and value to add.
Decorating and DIY
A lot of DIY work has been done around the house, I was always proficient at that but of course I never seemed to have as much time as I needed.
Running
In 2011 I ran 1,267 miles, by far the longest distance covered in any of the years I have been running. I ran the Birmingham Half Marathon in October and finished in 1:47:08 my personal best to date. It is fair to say that I haven't been sitting around getting fat. Running is good for my health and indeed for my self esteem and it's good to get some fresh air and blow away the cobwebs.
This website
Oh and I planned, created and published this website. Feedback always appreciated so let me know what you think.
