I have been making a phraseological blunder throughout my life and only this morning, thanks rather unexpectedly to Chris Evans, have I realised my error. One of the subjects of today’s show was common expressions that people get wrong. To my surprise and, if I am honest, embarrassment, one popped-up in the dialogue that highlighted my own ignorance.

I have occasionally used the phrase “on tender hooks”, assuming that it was some butchery related idiom but no. The correct phrase is“on tenterhooks”, which is instead a weaving reference. I had no idea - in fact I looked it up when I got into the office just to be sure.

Armed with the new knowledge, I just had to get to my website. I knew that I had used the expression incorrectly in recent times –the question was “in what article”? I finally found the offending entry, corrected it and felt much better. 

None of my readers ever pointed out the mistake so does that mean that all visitors; 

a) Were just too polite to say anything? Or
b) Just quietly thought to themselves that the author was (or is) a moron? 
 
Or, is the mistaken expression in more common usage than the correct idiom? 

There is an old adage, which I am hoping is correct (but I am of course a little nervous now) that you learn something new every day. Although I enjoy listening (particularly to “head to headlines”), I don’t normally expect cerebral advancement care of Chris Evans’ breakfast show. Having stated that though, I’ll gladly accept the benefit from wherever it comes.

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Yesterday my day was immeasurably improved by a sound that distracted me from my work and then prompted me to run to the office window, throw it open and stick my head out.  The sound; a Merlin engine; the machine carrying it - a Supermarine Spitfire! It was powerful, it was beautiful, it was graceful and I was moved. 

A Rolls-Royce Merlin engine has a distinctive sound and I knew immediately that I was going to see something special. The Spitfire flew around the skies of Milton Keynes city centre for a few minutes before heading elsewhere. Seeing the Spit was a genuinely uplifting experience and my day was improved for it, I returned to my desk enthused and re-energised. 
 
One or two of my older colleagues in the office were similarly enthusiastic but the shame is that the twenty-somethings, and they make up the majority of the staff, were completely disinterested and that, to my mind, was a real shame. I leapt out of my chair quicker than I would for a fire alarm whilst many failed to bat an eyelid – their loss.   
 
This is the second time in a week that the heavens have provided me with inspiration.

 Last weekend (Saturday morning I think) at home in Daventry, I heard the roar of jet engines flying low and rushed to the front door to see two flights of Red Arrows flying in ‘V’ formation streaking overhead. Watching the Red Arrows is always a rewarding experience but to see the pilots/planes in action without warning is special. I actually felt lucky, like I’d been granted a special treat.

I find that my days go by in a blur – a mixture of stress caused by deadlines, traffic, children, work demands, household chores etc. and it is sad to reflect that some days go by without extracting any real pleasure from anything and that’s terrible because something small, like seeing a Spitfire (something that doesn’t change anything else) can give you an almost spiritual uplift. 

Yesterday, something else happened that made me feel good – Chris Evans played Bohemian Rhapsody on his Radio 2 breakfast show, and I sat in my car on the M1 singing along very loudly, and if the truth be told, very badly! It was a Wayne’s World moment for me; Freddie Mercury, bless his soul, would have been horrified at my caterwauling! I arrived at the office smiling and ready for the day.

My note to self is to try and find a way of being emotionally or spiritually uplifted every day - I’d be a better person for it.
 
Crikey, I started this note with a reference to the heavens and now this piece is starting to skirt around the fringes of religion. I’ll stop right now!

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I watched the BBC News at Ten O’clock last night and came away with the distinct impression that David Cameron must be a little bewildered or at least “out of sorts”. He surely can’t have been thinking straight when he got on his soapbox to preach about tax avoidance. He singled out Jimmy Carr for illustrative purposes and for that he probably needs his head examined. Not today though; the BMA would be right to consider his ailment non-urgent. 
 
It is a fact of life that wealthy people will pay for and then, sensibly it must be said, act upon tax planning advice given to them by their tax accountants/advisors. Jimmy Carr, apparently, pays his money into an offshore account in Jersey to then loan himself his money back again. Here’s the best bit, in doing so he reduces his tax burden and it’s completely legal. It’s not illegal and I can’t even see a single justification for the label of immoral either – it’s just plain sensible. 

A chap interviewed last night, whose name I am sorry to state that I can’t remember, presented an excellent viewpoint that paying more tax than necessary (according to the law), was just like making a charitable donation to the exchequer or, in effect,  giving your money away. And why would you do that? 

Cameron has offered some kind of moral guide to tax planning, pensions okay:offshore accounts not! What value is there in that? The thing is that the law needs to be crystal clear and then imposed – to moralise is hopelessly inadequate. 

Court case outcomes are not determined on moral grounds, they are determined by the law – and Tony Nicklinson knows that, much to his frustration.  Morally he should be able to be assisted to end his life – on a point of law though, it’s illegal.   

Jimmy Carr, whilst no-doubt miffed about the media intrusion into his private affairs must be delighted with the material gifted to him for his comic purposes.  He has all the ammunition he needs to get people laughing at Cameron’s expense for years to come – whereas the media interest in his legitimate tax management will die down in days. And, this is comical too, in performing his new material he could earn even more money that he could, if he chose, place in his offshore account. Brilliant!     

The fact is though that Jimmy Carr has decided to conduct his affairs differently, he has actually issued an apology and that is to his credit. In his situation (and I’d love to be wealthy enough to be in it), I’d have been tempted to stick my fingers up at the politicians and suggest that they consult with my lawyers about defamation of character. I am no legal authority but surely Jimmy Carr has grounds for this. 

In my jaded opinion, most of our political folk are as far away from altruistic as you could imagine, the MPs expenses scandal was proof that those who represent us are willing to act in a completely unethical, and occasionally illegal way to suit themselves. With that knowledge, how dare the  most senior representative of our government have the gall to challenge citizens that are behaving within the established laws of the land.

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Prior to this morning, I genuinely cannot remember the last time I visited my doctor; it’s been at least two or three years and probably longer. Visiting the doctor of course is not like going to the dentist or having your eyesight checked – these are periodic check-ups that get diarised. You only ever go to the doctor when you are poorly. Fortunately for me, that is not very often.

Today, after a few weeks of indecision, I decided that I had to get my act together and book an appointment - the process was so annoying that I could feel a blog entry coming on even as my stress levels went up.

To book an appointment at my surgery in Daventry you have to call the appointment line. This is only available from 8am (a time incidentally that I am on my way to work in Milton Keynes). When 8 o’clock arrives the switchboard no doubts lights up with the efforts of all those contestants trying their luck. This leaves many, myself included, repeatedly listening to the engaged message (which is annoying – you dial before 8am you get a message saying the line isn’t open, you dial at 8am on the dot and the line is engaged).

When I finally got a ringing tone (instead of an engaged tone) I felt a small rush of adrenaline – success! 
 
The appointment line is automated and the first thing you have to do is select an option, in my case 1 for appointments. My anger levels spiked when having got this far the ringing tone sounded for another 30 seconds before the system gave me the following message “The system is unable to connect your call, please try later” and then promptly cut me off. Aaaaaaagggggghhhhhhh! 
 
“Hero to zero” and back to repeated dialling followed by engaged tones.

Many would just give up but the problem is that if you leave your call until later, there is no chance of getting an appointment at all.  

So the calling lottery continued and I finally was able to talk to a human (after selecting option 1).

Me: “Can I book an appointment?” 

The receptionist:“No, we are only seeing emergency cases today, we are a doctor down”

Me: “Can I book an appointment for tomorrow?”

The receptionist:“No, the appointments for tomorrow will only be released tomorrow morning; you’ll have to call at 8am”

Now at this point I was feeling frustrated. 
 
It was time for a different approach - I described my issue and then asked if I could see a nurse instead. That was obviously the right thing to do, the minor illness clinic then got mentioned and a visiting slot was then allocated. Hallelujah! 

It’s a good thing that I asked though because the receptionist didn’t offer the alternative without prompting.

The final irony – it took me 15 minutes of frantic/stressful dialling, 90 minutes of driving to and from the surgery, ten minutes waiting for the inevitably delayed appointment and then precisely three minutes and 27 seconds with the nurse! I even spent longer than that queuing for the prescription.

There has to be a better way!  

Finally, I am not a fan of automated call management systems but I understand that they are a necessary evil. I can’t abide by a system though that allows callers that have made it through the tollgates to be cut off without ceremony. In the business world, this would justifiably generate a deluge of complaints. And the only reason that the surgery gets away with allocating appointments in such a free-for-all way and utilizing such a crap phone system is that its patients have no choice but to put up with it.   

Not great!

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