I read this article...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-europe-30937492

...on the BBC News website today and felt a compulsion, you know the kind of urge that you can’t ignore – in fact a bit like needing the loo. In my case though, it was to take to the keyboard.

Bizarrely, the right of blokes to spend a penny in a standing stance has actually been subject to debate in the German courts – this has come about because of a case involving a landlord suing a tenant for supposed marble floor damage from uric acid (and poor aiming presumably).

The article suggests that there is a movement within Germany to change the wee relieving position for men from the traditional standing to a more socially acceptable seated alternative. Signs have even been produced for public places!

My view is that evolution has given the male of our species a penis that he can aim and sitting down to pee would be a terrible waste of some damn useful functionality. And just think of the inconvenience.

• If urinals in every public place were removed and replaced by standard toilets, us blokes would spend as long queuing as our female counterparts. That would be a nightmare!

• What would happen to common expressions like “pissing contest” or “pissing on your bonfire” (can you imagine the challenge of doing that from a seated position)? 
  
• Occasional, real pissing contests amongst young alpha males would have to be re-thought. Vertical height achieved or horizontal distance covered would have to be replaced by some other measure – duration, bowl noise or something! 
  
• And what about that treasured argument between husbands and wives across the world about leaving the seat up? Still I don’t suppose it would take us married types long to settle on a different fight instead!  
  

I accept that chaps that are particularly considerate to others may choose to sit, but to legislate would seriously be taking the piss.

Fortunately the German legal system has allowed common sense to prevail and the right of chaps to continue to assume an upright position to relieve their bladders. And thank God too because if the decision went the other way, we'd probably find that the European legal system would announce its intention to legislate on behalf of the UK and we'd all be affected. 

Controversially perhaps, collateral damage is acceptable and that’s just the way it is if you are a landlord or a cleaner.

Now I am sure that Mrs Baldwin will have an alternative perspective on this topic (because she does the vast majority of our cleaning at home – we have a son too) but I bet even she occasionally wishes she had the tackle and the capability to pee without needing to find somewhere appropriate to sit down!

I rest my case.

Blog Home
Blog Library
Home

Today marks a significant event in the Baldwin household; Mrs Baldwin and I have just completed thirteen years of marriage. This number, considered unlucky by some, is a good one for us and worthy of some celebration.

The 2012 Office of National Statistics’ (ONS) divorce statistics for the UK would suggest that we have done a reasonable job so far in avoiding the dangers associated with the high marriage failure rates recorded in the first decade after commitment.

Figures showed that 22 per cent of couples who married in 2002 were divorced 10 years later. This was the lowest rate for any group since those who married in 1984; so apparently our achievements are part of an improvement trend amongst our wedded peers.

I presented Mrs B. with a bunch of the finest roses and we collectively hope that the future outlook is equally rosy…

…but celebration may be a tad premature. It turns out that there is still much statistical risk; in 2012 the ONS reported that the average age at divorce was 45 for men and 42 for women.

This is perturbing bearing in mind that, over the next twelve months, both our birthdays will match those numbers.

In addition, there are concerns that a recovering and increasingly buoyant UK economy will see the divorce rate pick up again as couples see a greater chance of being financially independent post-separation.

The reasons for divorce, as stated in the legal paperwork, show adultery to be a less commonly stated factor and unreasonable behaviour (typically of the bloke) to be on the up. I didn’t delve deeply enough to understand the nature of “unreasonable behaviour” but I have my fingers crossed that collecting stuff from the seventies isn’t a high risk factor.

So, what next? All in all I think that the upshot of my research points to a celebration but one that shouldn’t get too carried away.

I end this post with a word or two of thanks to my other half.  The current, and only, Mrs Baldwin has been a great wife, mother to our children and keeper of the household – I am very grateful for her love and companionship, tolerance, culinary wizardly and well-honed planning skills. I only hope that my earnings, DIY capabilities, legendary love-making prowess and handsome good looks are enough to keep the scales finely balanced as we face our 14th year of marriage.

Well alright then, earnings and DIY skills!

Crikey, I am thinking I should up my game!

Blog Home
Blog library
Home    

Every so often I read or hear something that surprises the heck out of me. Today it’s this piece on the BBC News website about eyeball tattooing – and yes you read that right!

If you haven’t come across it already, please follow the link to this article before carrying on with this post; http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/magazine-30750361

The Canadian criminal featured looks like a nutter and to be honest, that’s what I think you need to be to get your eyeballs tattooed. Are you with me on this?

I have written about tats before because, despite not having any, I find it fascinating to reflect on the sheer profusion of them these days compared to 25 years ago. As I have stated before, tattoos suit some people – Steve Lovesey, Felix (Farleys) I hope you don’t mind name checks because I count you guys in this group – but on others (without the right physique, presence, confidence, career) they look terrible.   

Whilst I appreciate why people like/want tats, I really, really struggle to understand what possesses someone to make the decision to mess with their scleras. The bloke in the BBC piece dyed one of his whites black and looks like a freak (admittedly the rest of the half-skull treatment on his face doesn’t exactly help either).

From a personal perspective, my eyesight is so important to me that I'd rather contemplate amputation of limbs than some unnecessary procedure that could result in me losing my sight.

If I ever get cataracts, I’d be prepared to let a suitably qualified and experienced surgeon near my mince pies but the idea of allowing some artiste in a bloody tattoo parlour take an inked needle to them, fills me with horror.

Perhaps I am just getting a bit old and grumpy but my recommendation to anyone thinking of such a procedure is the following:

• If you want to look like a carnival freak, a shark, a cadaver or an alien, just buy a suitable mask and wear it wherever you go for a week. Reflect upon how people behave around you. If you are unemployed (you probably are if contemplating an eyeball tat), go to a job interview in your mask and see if you get an offer (you won’t). After a week just think about whether you want to be perceived in the same way for the rest of your life. If you do; find a shrink to chat to before you visit the tattooist. 
  

• If you are a career criminal and need to look hard to survive in your world, chat to your lawyer before making a decision about an eyeball tat. If you stand in front of a jury and your eyes are black, you are guilty.
  

• If you are medically insane, psychotic or a danger to yourself/the general public – for God’s sake get some prescribed drugs instead of an eyeball tattoo. At least the drugs might make things better.
  

Blog Home
Blog Library
Home

At lunchtime today I fuelled my car and in the process managed to buy my diesel at less than £1 per litre. 

Just how cool is that?

Admittedly there were some accrued Tesco Clubcard related savings utilised to bring the price below the £1 threshold (and down to the lowest level I can remember in many, many years).

It’s only one tank of fuel (because the next fill up will cost more) but I can relate that I felt a genuine feeling of triumph at achieving such a good rate; a diesel high as a result of a diesel low - this post is a small celebration.

Much less celebratory though was the revelation that Northampton General Hospital is administering aid to a female patient suspected to be suffering with Ebola. I read about that on the BBC News website shortly after returning from my refuelling outing.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-30825231

Geographically, Northampton is near to my home town of Daventry and, to be frank, that’s much too close for comfort when it comes to the possible presence of Ebola.

Fingers crossed though that Northampton, blessed with a superb team of Saints, proves to have the wherewithal to tackle and overcome the deadly virus.

Blog Home
Blog Library
Home

The death of Brian Clemens has been reported today and there can’t be many kids of the seventies that aren’t aware of his work even if they can’t quite place his name.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-30775352

For me the name Clemens instantly conjures up The Professionals. Clemens was responsible for many more TV series including the "New Avengers" but I hope that the music that will accompany him through the departure curtains at his send-off will be the brilliant Professionals theme tune.

The music has drama, energy, excitement and an ending that is as final as his funeral. That’s got me thinking I might even add it to the list of songs I plan to have played at mine.     

Clemens joins Gordon Jackson and Lewis Collins, two of the stars of his show, at the pearly gates but at least he had a better innings. Clemens made it to 83 whereas Jackson (Cowley) only made it to 66 and Collins (Bodie) to 67.

Separately, it was a real shame to read about the death of WW2 veteran Bernard Jordan last week. By getting to the grand old age of 90, at least he’d had a good innings too – I imagine he also had the time of his life over the last six months.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-sussex-30699446

Bernard’s antics around the 2014 D-Day celebrations inspired me to write about him in June - http://www.adrianbaldwin.net/blog/brighten-up-your-day-read-about-bernard-jordan

News from the 8th Jan. revealed that his wife of 65 years, Irene 88, died just a few days later.  

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-england-sussex-30724729

In one respect that’s doubly sad but in another, the Jordan’s story has a decent, almost romantic ending, the kind that might suit many elderly husband and wife teams.

Blog Home
Blog Library
Home

I recently bought a jigsaw from my local library – the puzzle entitled “Next Please” is an image from the legendary Guillermo Mordillo that shows a ship of pirates queuing up in an orderly fashion to enjoy the services of a lone prostitute (the captain is first in the queue as befits his rank and status). See full image below.

The puzzle tickled my fancy because:

• Seeing a Mordillo image took my memory on a nostalgic trip back to the eighties when his illustrations used to appear in my parents’ weekend Telegraph supplement.  Every week I used to look forward to seeing the illustrations and even cut some of them out and stuck them on my bedroom wall. 
  
• The image is amusing and significantly orange (which is my favourite colour) and brown (which is my second favourite colour); making the completion of the jigsaw more challenging. 
  

The puzzle was only 10p so the purchase decision was an easy one and it is now on my dining room table in the midst of construction (in fact you can see the progress for yourself).

I rather enjoy making jigsaw puzzles and probably put together somewhere between two and three dozen during 2014. Although there is one jigsaw pictured in my Seventies Gallery (and even a published article) I normally avoid the subject because readers may think me less exciting than I like to think I am.

This week however the humorous images of Mordillo made me reflect on the carnage in Paris and the murders at the Charlie Hebdo (CH) offices.  The CH staff were targeted because the satirical publication used illustration to poke fun at the Muslim faith (though it also poked fun at just about everything else as well). The editor, Stephane Charbonnier, and the publication’s key illustrators were killed in the attack.

Now you, like me, may not be familiar with the works of Charlie Hebdo but just reflect for a moment how you’d be reacting if the murdering scum bags had burst into the offices of Private Eye and machine gunned Ian Hislop and his colleagues.

If all the horror in the middle-east right now isn’t bad enough, it’s truly bleak to think that extremist nutters are prepared to kill others (caretakers included) because they don’t have the intellectual capacity to process humour. Even the North Koreans in their fanatical support of Kim Jong-un stopped short of physically attacking the offices of Sony Pictures over the release of “The Interview”.

What will happen next? If Guillermo Mordillo draws an image that offends a jihadist, will he be gunned down as well? Will I be targeted for using my website to voice an opinion? What would happen if I added the “Je suis Charlie” slogan/image to my front page?

One thing is for sure, it is only a matter of time until the gunman are apprehended and justice of some sort is dispensed. Muslim society has been compromised again and the irony is that the damage the gunman have done to their own faith is far greater than any that a small circulation, relatively unknown, French language publication could ever have done.

Charbonnier is dead – long live Charlie!  

Blog Home
Blog Library
Home