This post is all about Adrian Baldwin but in a novel (literally) twist, it’s going to have very little to do with me. Technically, I’ll be writing about Adrian Baldwin in the first and third person for the first time on this website! He and I thank you for your time.

Confused? Concerned about possible schizophrenic tendencies?

Well don’t be, read on, and find out what on earth has prompted this ramble.

Today I read a number of chapters from a nearly published work called ‘Barnacle Brat’ – it’s a black comedy that in its oddness reminds me a little of the TV series ‘Psychoville’. The novel’s contents were accessed via a website called Authonomy, an environment for new authors to generate interest in their work and for potential publishers to evaluate feedback and make investment decisions.

Barnacle Brat’s author; you may have guessed it - Adrian Baldwin!

Is it me? NO, although I’d be pleased if it was!

Unlike me, this Adrian is a bona fide writer and wrote for some high profile comedy shows in the nineties - he even has his own entry on the Internet Movies Database (IMDB).

Adrian’s self-generated Authonomy profile information is reproduced below because I hope you’ll find it interesting. I know that I did – there is honesty, humour, openness; there are highs, lows, successes, losses, even the suggestion of tragedy; there is determination and then there is hope. I have to state, that’s good story telling in 322 words.

Reading the profile prompted me to register on the site and then start reading Adrian’s material. 

Hi. My name is Adrian Baldwin. I am a writer. At least, I consider myself to be a writer.

Back in the Nineties I wrote for various TV shows/celebrities: Hale & Pace; Rory Bremner; Brian Conley; Smith & Jones; Paul McKenna; Terry Wogan; Clive Anderson (and a few others). Wooo, get me.

But then, just as things were going really well, I became a single parent (sad face) and had to stop writing – I could no longer commit to the time necessary for the various writers’ meetings, rehearsals and recordings (which were virtually always up in London – I lived in Manchester, and back-to-back days away from my young son had become unthinkable).

Anyway, fast forward to the recent past, with my son all grown, and fully independent (he tells me): I gave up the office job I had taken on ('Are you serious?' they asked), sold my house ('You ARE mad,' they said), moved to mid-Wales (no, honestly, it's lovely here) and got back to doing what I love to do: write.

First, I tried writing a screenplay. I sent the finished script to the Welsh Film Agency and they liked it enough to put a six figure sum behind it. (I know, I couldn't believe it myself!) The work has still to find a producer willing/able to invest the rest of the money needed to turn the screenplay into a film (I’m sure the UK Film industry being hit by the global recession, like so many other businesses, hasn’t helped) but I live in hope.

Not to be outdone, though, I turned my hand to writing a novel – which, to be honest, has always been my real dream (and because I didn't know any better) and now, after two years of writing (and re-writing and more re-writing), I have a Dark Comedy novel that I am happy with and looking to find readers for. A book I hope you will enjoy.

Although I don’t know Adrian, I applaud his decision to go it alone and his determination to get published because despite his track record, which you’d think would open doors, it hasn’t been easy for him.

Over the last two years, whilst I have toyed with my website, this Adrian has written a book; one day I’d love to do the same. Adrian Baldwin has a very good chance to achieve something I can only dream of – earning his living from creative writing.

Knowing how hard it is to get noticed, I really want my name sake to succeed; and the fact is - you can help too!  My request is that you go to Authonomy and register if you need to; that you read the chapters of Barnacle Brat; and that you ‘back the book’ if you like what you read.

Having engaged with Barnacle Brat, and feeling inspired in a kind of ‘Dave Gorman’ fashion, I got in touch with Adrian Baldwin via Facebook and have exchanged a few notes with him since. We had a laugh about website addresses because I have snaffled a number of the addresses that he would have valued.

On that subject, I am going to have to add some kind of warning/signpost to my site to advise visitors that if they are looking for the proper author they have come to the wrong place! The same name thing clearly has potential to cause confusion and I don’t want my wittering to detract from Adrian’s ability to earn his fortune! It is of course possible that a proportion of my visitor statistics should be attributed to surfers looking for the other Adrian – if so I can only apologise!

Adrian’s own website: www.adrianbaldwin.info

You can also find Adrian on Facebook – he is linked to me but you can also search for him using “Adrian Baldwin – Author”

And of course you can read ‘Barnacle Brat’ on Authonomy. You may have to register but it only takes moments and is worth the effort! For some insight, the cover outside back cover artwork is shown below.

Go on make my days!

I understand that the paperback is due out shortly and I’ll have to buy one because now that I’ve started reading, I need to know what happens at the end.

When it arrives, I suppose that I’ll be able to sign it himself!

STOP PRESS 04/08/14 Barnacle Brat a quick review

*Cover artwork reproduced with author's permission
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I read a story in the Times this lunchtime (page 19 by Sean O’Neill, Crime Editor) and it made me laugh out loud. Armed response officer, police constable Shaun Jenkins, was deemed by an appeal court to be in full control of his loaded gun despite the fact that his trousers (and holster with gun still in it) were around his ankles whilst he was bonking a colleague’s wife (the positional details weren’t divulged). This ‘quickie in Caerphilly’ occurred whilst he was on duty and his patrol partner was waiting in the armed response vehicle (ARV) outside the house.

Following on from a justified complaint from the cuckolded husband, the slightly less than PC PC ended up on the whipping end of a series of disciplinary actions that saw him receive a written warning and then the sack. Amazingly a reinstatement followed thanks to a dismissal appeal process. The appeal panel verdict was that he had been in full control of his ‘weapon’ (oh yeah baby); that his absence from the ARV was no greater than if he’d been getting a cup of tea; and that there was no evidence of predatory sexual behaviour. 

This story is f**king hilarious and it has undoubted Monty Python type sketch potential!

Said the desk sergeant to the PC upon his late arrival - where the f**k have you been? The PC replies well sir it’s funny that you should mention that! Nudge nudge, wink wink, say no more!

To PC Jenkins’ credit he had been commended for bravery on three occasions; was brave enough to challenge his sacking and was bold enough to get away with shagging whilst on duty. I bet every bloke in Wales gives him a round of applause whenever they see him and God only knows what kind of nickname he has in his local police station.

And, the plain old tea break has been given a whole new lease of life!

In the article’s accompanying picture, Jenkins is smiling...

...and no wonder!

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On Saturday night (3rd August) I went to a great gig at Club 85 in Hitchin; the bill contained four acts, No Fear of Falling, Dr Nasty, the legendary Bleach Boys and the headliners Chron Gen.

No Fear of Falling was a band of young lads (school age if you ask me, maybe sixth formers) that kicked off the evening; the band was followed by Dr Nasty, a ‘punk poet’ who recited his debauched material from the stage.

For me, the show really got rolling when the Bleach Boys took to the stage!

On the subject of the band, and just in case you don’t know, the Bleach Boys is a four piece outfit and the members are all capable and experienced musicians. It might be punk music but Mark (guitar), John (bass) and Rob (drums) play their instruments will skill and flair.  The band was formed in the seventies and has been going ever since (and still with two of the original members), has got records quoted in Record Collector and has a legitimate claim to be in the punk music hall of fame. The band members all have proper jobs, families and commitments but fit the gigs in too because they enjoy themselves and have a laugh. 

I’ll admit that I am a fan, I like these guys and I like the humour and irreverence that peppers their fast-paced tunes.

The Bleach Boys set was 15 songs long and included some of my favourites;

·         “Chloroform”
·         “Weirdo”
·         “Nuclear War”
·         “Slapper”
·         “Stocking Clad NDS Bitches”
·         “Move it” – a punk tribute to Cliff Richard

Whilst the venue was packed and the audience was close to the stage and enjoying the first few songs, no one was actually ‘dancing.’ Fortified by three pints of Guinness, I decided to get the mosh going myself. I took to the floor and for a short while was on my own, but completely undaunted. God knows what I looked like (an idiot for sure) but then again I didn’t care; I was having a great time.

Fortunately it wasn’t long before some other souls were ‘brave’ enough to join in as well. At one point I borrowed the microphone from Matt, the singer, and suggested that some of the crowd joined me for a foxtrot (to be honest, I may not have been quite that polite in my form of address).

The ensuing argy bargee was really good fun although I sustained some cuts and bruises and at one point my watch was torn from my wrist (fortunately rescued from the floor before it got trampled on – I subsequently fixed it on Sunday morning).

Even now parts of my body would suggest that I have been fighting but then again, to the untrained eye, a mosh does rather look like a brawl!

I am too old for this kind of nonsense and really should know better but it was great to be on a night out, to have a few beers, to listen to some excellent music and all with the knowledge that for once I didn’t have to drive home! I also took some satisfaction from still possessing the fitness/stamina to ‘perform’ (the term is used loosely) for song after song without collapsing or needing medical attention.

That observation brings me on to Chron Gen. This band, like the Bleach Boys, was active in the late seventies and had released singles and an album that did well in the independent charts; the band was therefore possessing of genuine punk authenticity. I had never seen Chron Gen before because to be fair, it was dissolved in 1984 and at that point I was still too young to be on the gig scene. The band got back together in 2013, hence the opportunity to see it now.

Interestingly Chron Gen was a Letchworth band and the Bleach Boys a Hitchin/Baldock band so geographically very close but apparently the bands had only ever played on the same bill twice before.

Now back to medical attention; Chron Gen, as headliners, pulled in a crowd that had an average age that reflected the band’s heyday (particularly given that the 29 year sabbatical would have made attracting new followers a bit of a challenge). That meant that some of the fellas that wanted to mosh for these guys were older than me by a five to ten year margin. I realised why some of the new to the floor ‘dancers’ had held off from joining me for the Bleach Boys – risk of heart attack! There was a lot of extra weight heaving around and the owners were surely managing their exposure/risk levels!

Still I can’t be complacent either; after the Bleach Boys, I topped up my fluid levels (with water not Guinness) and kept out of the fray for the first couple of Chron Gen’s songs to recover from my earlier exertions.            

The surviving (for some haven’t) members of Chron Gen looked to be in fine health and played well and were enthusiastically received. The ‘dancing’ was lively throughout the band’s set and an encore was also demanded.

By the time the night was over I was knackered but in good spirits. I was soaked with sweat and not exactly looking, or smelling for that matter, my best.

As I walked through Hitchin afterwards, I reflected for the first time that week that I was hot but not at all bothered. Trussed up in a suit for work during the preceding days I had slow cooked in London and sweated through my shirt or been thoroughly rained on in Milton Keynes – these events had annoyed me; the gig though cheered me up no end, no better way to get a sweat on than by earning it in a mosh pit (well aside from sex of course)!

What a great night!

The Bleach Boys next play at the Horn in St. Albans on the 25th August – day two of “Hornfest” and it’s free to get in on the Sunday so no excuses not to go! The band is scheduled to play at 4:30pm. Unfortunately I’ll have to miss that gig but you don’t have to. Put the date in your diary now and start looking forward to it.

Chron Gen gig dates are published on the band’s website, visit now and plan a trip out. 

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This week I have been bemused about stuff I have read in the news or watched on the telly; competition and conflict are the themes of this post as well as my disbelief that some of this nonsense actually takes place.

First up; pensioners fighting in ASDA’s Biggleswade car park over a disabled parking space!  This story is frankly depressing. A sixty four year old ended up dying as a result of an altercation with a sixty five year old. What were these chaps thinking?

Brian Holmes of Sandy who’d just been given the all clear for cancer died as a result of head injuries gained through a ‘parking rage’ incident at a supermarket!

His 65 year old attacker, a bloke called Alan Watts, will no doubt get a custodial sentence for manslaughter.  He’ll get to spend his retirement behind bars and away from everything that is important to him.

It doesn’t even matter who started it, or who provoked who - it’s just a shocking waste of life over something so bloody trivial!

And Dad – if you read this, promise me you’ll let fellow shoppers park wherever they damn well like next time you go to Sainsbury!

On to the next stupid subject – Marmite! A TV advertisement from the brand has been the subject of numerous complaints to the Advertising Standards Authority. The advert is brilliant if you ask me, bang on brand and humorous – its premise; neglected Marmite jars being rescued from abusive homes by a team of investigators and subsequently rehomed. Complainants are getting on their high horses because they think the advert is offensive and belittles the work of the RSPCA or child protection services.

Once again I find myself dismayed! The complainants need to get out a bit more often or take up yoga!

The only thing I can think of to justify this backlash is some kind of belated social conscience event i.e. people feeling horrified/guilty about the murder of Daniel Pelka by his vile mother and stepfather - and directing their anger at Marmite. No need though, the terribly sad Pelka case belittled the work of social services in a way that Marmite couldn’t ever get anywhere near.

Still from the brand’s perspective, the ‘love it’ or ‘hate it’ promise was well and truly delivered! The creatives will no doubt be delighted! In fact the whole thing is so ridiculous that I wouldn’t be at all surprised to find out that Marmite had actually written the complaints to the ASA to generate the bonkers coverage!

The third observation from this week comes thanks to a TV programme I happened to catch by accident called something like “Allotment Wars”. In this truly awful ‘reality’ documentary a bunch of north eastern allotment holders are recorded bitching about, and back-stabbing, their fellow plot holders – subjects included plot sabotage, plot eviction, competitive one-upmanship, hostage taking and shed envy. I watched this programme with disbelief and then with anger.  I turned it off in the end because I couldn’t justify listening to these narrow-minded morons anymore – honestly these people appealed less than the knobbly vegetables that they were growing! I hope they were ashamed of themselves when they watched the programme!

Finally, and because I can only grumble for so long, the conflict of Top Gear versus Das Auto (both programmes aired on BBC Two on Sunday 4th August).  The final episode of this run of Top Gear episodes ended with Clarkson/May/Hammond celebrating the current British motor manufacturing industry. It was uplifting stuff too (although I didn’t see a single Vauxhall and Ellesmere Port is still building the Astra - can anyone enlighten me on this?).

Top Gear was immediately followed by the Dominic Sandbrook documentary ‘Das Auto’ whereby the German car industry was celebrated along with the destruction it brought down upon the Brits.

The fact was that both programmes made for compelling viewing - both were well made and fascinating.

Jeremy Clarkson subsequently got all stressed about the scheduling and the seemingly conflicting messages. My view, both programmes were accurate (one current, one historic) and both well worth the investment of an hour. If you missed either, get on the BBC iplayer and catch up.

In this instance, at least the ‘conflict’ with points of view could be presented with a lower case ‘c’.

And from an alphabetical perspective that’s as good a placed to end as any ‘C’ is for conflict, competition, Clarkson, cars, car park, cancer, custody, complaints, carrots, cabbages and the colour crimson. These news items have certainly made me see red - life is too short and too precious for the kind of crap above!

Fortunately ‘C’ is also for calm, common sense, choice, consideration, courtesy, collaboration and celebration.

I know what I am choosing!

Ciao

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